What They Can't Say
by Caitlin51
Summary: Coulson and May just can't admit their true feelings...at least out loud. Their subtext says what they can't. Coulson/May
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hello everyone! So this fic is probably a two-shot, but if it goes well I may expand it, so we'll see. Also, I'm experimenting with something new here, a challenge that I found online and is difficult to work with, but hopefully it paid off. I know, I know, it's pretty cryptic, but follow the instructions below and you'll understand. Enjoy! =)_

_*IMPORTANT: Take the first word (bolded) from every paragraph to see the hidden message._

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**He** stared at her across the holotable, again admiring her ability to throw herself wholly into her work without being distracted by outside influences. "Do you think that Fury knew?" he asked, not really wanting to know the answer. But wanting to talk to her regardless.

"**Knew** what?" she asked, not looking up from her inspection of the surrounding terrain around the parked Bus.

"**Her** identity. That Skye was an 0-8-4." _Because if he did,_ Coulson thought to himself, _we are going to have some more heated words next time we cross paths._

"**Too** much is unclear, Phil." She sighed, looking up from her work. "But there are more pressing matters right now."

"**Well**, that's true," he admitted grudgingly, walking to stand next to her. "Where did Fury send us?"

"**He** seemed to send us to the middle of a forest somewhere in the Rocky Mountains," she replied, her voice flat. "He knew that this would be good cover for the Bus."

"**Knew** that no one could find us here, more like."

"**That** too," she conceded, moving the picture on the holotable so that he could easily see the surrounding area as well.

"**Telling** him that it's difficult to remake SHIELD in the middle of nowhere probably would be a waste of breath, wouldn't it?"

**Her** eyebrows raised - the first sign of outward emotion she had shown since he had started the conversation. "You are in charge now, Phil. It's your call."

"**How**...how do you do it, May?" He leaned forward and caught her eyes. "How do you stay calm amidst so much confusion? How do you not feel everything?"

"**He** taught me. Fury." With that cryptic statement, she turned back to the holotable, but he could see that her formerly steady hand shook very slightly. Then she added, "And I felt. I felt so much that it was just easier to hid it away."

"**Felt** what, exactly?" he asked, pressing his advantage while she seemed willing to talk, albeit cryptically.

"**Wouldn't **you want to know?" she asked with one of her rare half-smiles.

"**Help** me to understand you, May," he pleaded, his voice quiet. "I just want you to let me in."

**He** shifted closer to her as she closed her eyes, a heavy motion. "I can't. I'm sorry, Phil." She crossed her arms - a gesture he recognized as defensive. "You knew me well, once, but that's changed."

"**Knew** you better than anyone," he corrected her with a sad smile. "I wish that it could be that way again."

"**That** is impossible."

**He** may have imagined it, but it sounded like her voice trembled slightly with that stilted phrase. He hoped that it had - it would mean that he was getting through to her.

"**Had** things been different," she started quietly, but then trailed off without finishing.

"**To** dream of the future is much better than to regret the past." Coulson quoted Toby Beta, wishing desperately that he could change the past. It was slightly ironic, he supposed. A silence ensued as she looked at him strangely. "An author," he clarified, trying futilely to guess at her thoughts as the silence resumed.

"**Show** me your plans for recruitment again?" Her voice finally interrupted in an attempt to turn the conversation away from sensitive issues. He didn't push.

**Her** eyes flashed to the holotable as he pulled up the files he had created, full of all the ideas he had to reform SHIELD. He wanted more than anything to keep asking her questions, to see if he could penetrate her facade.  
**Instead**, he put her from his mind and focused on his plan. He had a lot of work to do, but he wasn't going to give up on her. He would never give up on her.

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_Please please please review! I really want thoughts on this idea!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thanks for the great reviews! I really appreciate them. Enjoy this chapter (again reading the bolded words), and review if you want more or have any ideas =)._

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**Emotions **swirled through May's head as she stared across the desk at Coulson, despite her best efforts to repress them. She was supposed to be the cold one, the one that didn't feel. Unfortunately, he had this irritating ability to bring out her vulnerable side.

"**Are **you listening, May?" Coulson's voice punctured her thoughts, bringing her back to the conversation.

"**Unpredictable**," she responded immediately, thinking back to the last word she vaguely remembered him saying, hoping that Coulson wouldn't notice her distraction. "Hydra is unpredictable and that has been one of their greatest assets so far." She paused for a second, analysing her own statement. Then, nodding, she continued, "And we can use that too - unpredictability. That's the only way we can get the upper hand against an organization that knows us as well as we know ourselves."

"**Scary**, isn't it?" Coulson commented with a weary grin. "The thought that our superiors, our friends could be part of this, and we never knew." Despite his best efforts to keep his tone light, May could tell that he was hurting much more than he wanted to show.

"**And **now," she said, keeping her voice gentle as she stood and walked around the desk, "we have to accept what has happened and move on. Accept that the circumstances are uncontrollable." She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly, reassuringly.

"**Uncontrollable**?" he asked, slightly bitterly, an unfamiliar sound for him. "I think that's a little bit of an understatement, don't you?" She felt him tense beneath her hand. "More like unimaginable. Impossible."

**She **wished for a second that she was better at this whole 'comforting' thing, that she could do something to make him feel better and have hope again. "Yes, Phil," she moved to the desk and perched on the edge, facing him. "It was impossible, but it happened. And there was nothing we could have done to prevent it, so now we just have to face forward. Deal with the consequences." She sighed, unsure of what else to say. Finally, she decided on, "You knew that what Fury asked of you would be difficult, but you accepted it, anyway."

"**Knew **that it would be hard, but didn't really understand," he said ruefully, but he looked up and met her eyes with a slight smile.

"**That **wouldn't have made a difference," she said, relieved to see him perking up a little. "It's who you are, Phil. You hope."

"**But** sometimes, there just isn't any real hope," he said, but she could tell by the hollow sound in his voice that he didn't really believe that.

"**With **you," she smiled, ever-so-slightly at him, "there is always something to hope for. It's your greatest strength."

**Coulson **smiled back at her, looking surprised and very pleased with her reaction. "Thank you, May. Your support means more than I can say."

**It **was difficult to ignore the surge of warmth that spread through her body at his words, but she tried her best. She knew the danger, the potential for hurt, in those feelings. "It's nothing," she replied as she stood and headed for the door before her emotions got the better of her.

"**Was **what you said about hope true?" His question made her pause, curious. "I mean," he continued, "If there is always hope, well, is there hope for us?" He looked apprehensive as he waited for her answer

**Different **scenarios flashed through her head, scenarios in which she answered his question honestly, scenarios in which something could happen between them, scenarios that she was terrified to want. So she settled on cryptically saying, "Depends on what you mean by us, Phil." It was the truth, but he still looked disappointed as she left, pulling the door closed behind her. It was the truth, but she knew that he would take it to mean just friendship. It was safer that way. May closed her eyes, trying to convince herself of that. _It's safer this way._

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_Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Hey everyone! I'm so glad that this story has so many fans - I can't say I expected it! Originally, it was going to just be a two-shot, but thanks to all the reviews, I have decided to expand it to at least two more chapters =)._

_Also, I am now registered as a beta reader, so check out my profile!_

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**He **knelt down on the freshly disturbed soil, reaching one hand out towards a flash of light that had caught his eye while May stood behind him, keeping an eye out for anything else strange. The object was about the size of a pop can, but flatter with jagged edges. It appeared to made of some form of metal that Coulson was unable to identify, but it warmed up very quickly at his touch. "Well, May," he commented, a touch of humour in his voice as he stood and showed her the metal fragment, "Looks like Thor sent us a little present to show that he still cares."

"**Cared,**" May corrected him, her eyes roaming around the Asgardian symbol burnt into the earth around them - the symbol of Asgardian passage. "This isn't Thor's signature markings, or anyone's we have yet encountered." Taking the fragment from him, she examined it, careful to avoid the sharp edges. Finally, she asked, "How long ago did this appear?"

"**About** a couple hours ago," he responded, coming to stand slightly behind her so that he could see the object as well. Their shoulders brushed slightly, but then she leaned just a fraction of an inch away in order to break the contact.

**Her **voice seemed to tremble slightly (or maybe it was just wishful thinking on Coulson's part) as she continued, "Then we can assume that whoever landed here can't be too far away."

"**So,**" Coulson concluded, "We should get an aerial search party to start tracking down our Asgardian friend before he gets into trouble."

**Deeply** concerned, at least by the expression on her face, May commented, "Coulson, I don't think that that will be possible - where would we get ahold of trustworthy agents and enough vehicles?" She shook her head and sighed. "It's up to us."

"**It **isn't possible with just us," Coulson pointed out. "He could have gone anywhere and there's only our team and one Bus."

"**Was **that pessimism?" May opened her eyes wider in mock shock. "That doesn't sound very characteristic of you, Phil. You're the eternal optimist."

**His **heart leapt slightly at her surprising playfulness and her use of his first name. "Optimism is sometimes overrated," he replied, smiling. "I prefer hope, personally. With optimism, you always have to be happy. But with hope, you just have to be happy in the long run."

"**Hope**, then," she agreed, her eyes intent on his.

"**To **discover the Asgardian, or for something more?" Coulson's eyes widened in surprise at his own words and he held his breath. He had never hoped for something with quite the same intensity before. He could see the conflict on her face as she struggled with how to respond.

"**Discover **the Asgardian, of course," she finally responded, her face hardening back into a neutral mask again.

**The **reply made Coulson's heart sink, but he masked it as best he could with a fake smile and a cheery, "Of course" as they started the walk back towards the Bus.

"**Same **assignments?" she asked, obviously changing the subject as they neared the plane.

**Deep **sorrow and weariness clouded Coulson's voice as he responded, "Yeah, sure." He was just so tired of fighting for her, just to be put off and rejected time after time.

**Feelings **flickered across her face so quickly that he couldn't identify any of them other than concern. Concern for him, he supposed. That was ironic.

**In **her eyes he saw a sudden understanding as she faced him and said, "I'm sorry, Phil. I care too much about you to say what you want to hear."

**Her** fingers entwined in his as he caught her hand in his. "I don't need you to say anything, May." She didn't break the contact even as they boarded the Bus, off to search for the Asgardian.

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_Please review!_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Alright everyone, this will be the final chapter of this fic. I want to thank everyone for their support and reviews - you are the reason I added more chapters than I had originally intended to this story. Please enjoy the last chapter =)._

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"**One **day," May sighed to Coulson, sitting opposite her at his desk, "I want to take a vacation."

**Day**light streamed in through the small window, illuminating Coulson's intent gaze. "A vacation sounds good," he agreed, "Anywhere other than Tahiti, though," he added, smiling at her with a grim humour.

**She **smiled back, then changed it into a scowl as soon as she realized what she was doing. "Too bad that it won't happen," she commented, rising to pace around the office. It was a small space, but it relieved the sudden anxiety she felt about opening up to Coulson and letting him see one of her dreams - to take a vacation. To take a break from the constant danger and violence. Part of her felt like it was a weakness to admit it, but at the same time, she liked being able to tell him things like that.

"**Would **you go?" Coulson asked, rising as well and walking around his desk to stand next to her. "If I arranged everything, would you go with me?" The amount of vulnerability in his voice surprised her - he must really want her to confess that she would enjoy taking some time out with him, just the two of them. "Come on, Melinda, admit it."

"**Admit **that a vacation would be good for me, or that time alone would be good for us?" She steeled herself, turning from the wall to face him, their noses only a couple of inches apart.

"**To **both counts," Coulson muttered. "Admit to both, Melinda. I know you too well - I can see through your facade down to the truth. It's time that you admit it to yourself."

"**Coulson," **she whispered, deliberately using his last name in order to create some distance, "I can't. That part of me…" she closed her eyes, regretting some of her decisions that led her to this emotionally closed place, "...that part of me just doesn't really work anymore. I'm sorry."

"**How **can you believe that?" he asked, his voice incredulous. "Don't be ridiculous, Melinda. Come with me." He held out his hand.

**She **stared at him, then at his proffered hand. She knew that taking his hand would be a big step, a step that she didn't know if she was ready for. Biting her lip, she started to say, "Phil, I felt…"

"**Felt **what?" he interrupted, his nerves showing as he voice trembled ever so slightly.

"**That **this is a great idea," May finished, making up her mind all at once and changing what she had originally been going to say. "Yes, Phil, I'll go with you."

**Day**light shone on the two of them, bathing them both in a warm glow as May took his hand and they both smiled. "Thank you, Melinda," Coulson whispered, squeezing her hand gently and grinning at her like a fool.

"**Is **that it then?" she asked dryly, breaking the intense moment. "Well, when do we leave?"

"**Today."**

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_Thanks for reading and please leave a final review!_

_~Caitlin51_


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